Hopefully, it's not just me-
How have SAHDs been able to talk to other children's moms about setting-up play time for our kids, without being suspected of trying to 'hit on' the moms or kidnap their kids?
It's happened a number of times where our son wanted to spend time with kids he met at school, at the playground, etc., and when I asked their moms (invariably, its their moms more than their dads that are minding their social calendars) about setting some time aside to get together - no matter how well we'd been getting along, and how innocently I asked - the looks I got made me feel like I was wearing a silk bathrobe & smoking a pipe like Hugh Hefner, or was some sort of axe-wielding murderer...
Is there some accepted method - some protocol - that I'm not aware of?
Setting-up play dates... and nothing else!
When I first became a SAHD, I was invited by a girlfriend to attend her "mommy's group." I was a first-timer and wanted to get a lay of the land, so to speak. BIG mistake...although the group wasn't exclusive to females like most, it was exclusively female. Besides, I wasn't up for spending one to two hours at some mom's house when I could be outside with my son. I could do that at home!
So I posted an ad on our local parents network website (created by the local university) looking for parents of all types (e.g., moms, dads, singles, married, gay, straight). I got quite a response. I meet up with about three to four of them each week. We also have a local dads group called East Bay Dads. Check this site under group directory...there are groups already formed in certain areas. You can also search www.meetup.com and Yahoo groups. I'm sure Google has something, too.
Good luck.
Mike's advice is right on the money. I ran a play group for alost 9 months. It is also good to meet parents at other places that may seem less "creepy" than a playground. A local play space, or the library is a good place to be seen. Talk about your wife a lot that always seemed to help me. You can even plan to meet up out side or in public.
Be Seeing You.
I always blame it on the kids - "my son has been bugging me to have a playdate with your son....." and leave it open from there. His mom might invite yours over right there and then it begins. Start small and don't be pushy. Casual non-structued playdates are good to start with - lead with "the blame" and follow with "we'll be at the playground tomorrow afternoon if you want to meet us there....." or something similar. Public places, lots of people, keep it very nonchalant.
Tim
If there are any public classes, playgroups, story times etc... that you don't need an invite to, go to those first. If your mom "friends" happen to go there it's a better setting to get more comfortable with the moms: not as drive-by as playground run-ins, but not as intimate and invasive as the private mom playdates there might be.
Proof that this works? I am "in" with 3 different mom circles, playgroups, and e-mail rings because I started public long before I went private. Except for the two or three really close friends though I don't do one-to-one playdates.
The close friends I have no problem making out with a little bit. :} j/k. kinda.
http://backpackingdad.blogspot.com
Just so we all know, I was never able to make any meaningful connection with other parets dispite my willingness to host playgroups etc. People are much nicer in my new neighborhood but I still have to make playdates with a Mom in my old hood.
Sometimes it just happens that way. I know Moms that this has happend to as well.
Be Seeing You.
I've tried to make some connections with SAHDs in my general area, with a little bit of success. I've also met a few moms over the years who have no problem letting their boys hang out with my son at our house, which is nice. I've even had a few playdates set up where I just hang out with one mom (sometimes two). I've never gotten into a regular group, but haven't felt the need. I'm gonna take my daughter to her first Gymboree class next week, and maybe something will grow out of that.
I was lucky yesterday, as I stopped by a new neighbor's house to ask something, and the mom, who's a teacher with the summer off, and two kids, was more than happy to invite me in with the baby. We hung out for about 30 minutes, and had fun watching my daughter dance a bit with her son, who's the same age. Just went with the flow and it worked out fine. Some parents are better are including other parents than others are.
Dave, full-time child roadie for Owen and Amelia
www.davebrigham.com
You might check your local library for group events for the kids. The library where I did my internship had a great children's department and featured storytimes for the younger kids during the day. Though I never saw any dads attend, it seems like a pretty neutral ground for the kids to get together and to meet other parents. The storytime for the younger kids, under kindergarten age, was basically a free for all after the story ao they could all play together. You might start with something similar and it may branch off from there.
Rich C. : Novice baby wrangler and cat herder.
http://one-sahd-dude.blogspot.com/
http://good-eats-fan.blogspot.com/
Well If it makes anyone feel any better, I too have been stuck with playdates & playgroups with the moms of twins here on Nor-Cal, its fun, for twins, but for me most of the time the moms sit and talk about breast feeding ( and other things ) so as that goes getting together with SAHD's would be a GREAT change in pace.
PROUD DAD OF JOSH 11, NICK 5, EVAN & ISAAC! (twins 9 months)
Just Keep smiling, They will wonder what you are up to!!!
we are so don't loose hope!!!!!
there will be some mom's no matter how innocent you come off will just find it weird and won't want to get together
don't worry you tried the ball is in their court and move on
try all the play groups you can get to but you will have to put in face time before people feel comfortable outside of that setting
since my two oldest are now in school & i walk with them every day i get that face time with the other stay at home parent so it just becomes like a friendship and the next logical step is to go to their house or have their kid over
I hate the term and the idea of "play dates". Play dates are overrated. Depending on your child's age it means different things. If your child is under 3 then it's a "parent date." The kids are just an excuse for lonely new moms to get together and B.S. Most women do not want men included. Not because they are afraid you are going to hit on them - simply because they want to talk woman talk.
btw - Many women don't want men in their house because their insecure husbands don't want you there. I have gotten many a cold shoulder from the husbands of moms I met at gym classes etc. and then bumped into in the park on a weekend.
If your child is under 3 or 4 and you want your child to be exposed to some socialization then the above suggestions are all you need. The library, gym classes, music classes, the park, etc... There's plenty of things you can do.
Once your child begins pre-school, you may be able to develop relationships with moms because your children become friends with their children. If they are comfortable with getting the kids together then start at a public place like a park. Eventually you'll be able to just drop off your child at their house and they will become comfortable with leaving their child with you. I have had success doing this with my 5 year old. Of course by then they are getting all the socialization they need.
Now on the other hand if you are looking for the benefits of a parental date then I'd stick to finding at least one other SAHD. If you can meet one that you like then all the play date nonsense is handled.
Oh, and don't let your wife pressure you into making play dates you don't want to do. If she thinks it's so important than suggest she take a day off and schedule one herself.
I live in Chicago, and man, I would like to get my two year old out to socialize more. We have Wiggleworms and Mygym, but that's it. In this city, it seems that if you even smile at somebody, they think you are about to kidnap them or ask them for money. The neighborhood that I live in does not have a lot of kids. I see maybe one or two walking past on the street with their nanny every once in a while, and that's about it. There are six condos in this building, and every other couple are gay males. No problem there, but it's not very conducive to meeting any kids, as none of them are same sex parents.
So yeah, trying to set up play dates is tough for me. I'm a very friendly person (grew up in the south), but sometimes I wonder if that hurts the prospect of setting something up because the moms might think I'm up to something.
edit: after reading your post jerseydad, I think you have some solid points there. The thing for me is the winter time. Man, it stays cold for six months here, and we either need to find more stuff to do, or meet some routine group parents. I went stir crazy last winter, and now that he's two and ready to roll, it's going to be rough! lol
Moms who see you competently interact with your, and their children are much more open to other social interaction. We had an OK level of playdates while attending a co-op preschool in which I regularly volunteered as a classroom aide (thus proving I was not a psycho killer). The playdates dropped considerably during the kindergarten year in public school, where I didn't have the same proving grounds.
A child psychologist we know suggested that DW make the contacts and schedule the dates, even if it was to be me who attended. That did work better, but it was still a lot of leg work.
Interestingly, it's been the non-religious homeschooling moms who have been the most open over the past year and a half, and our social calendar is more full than ever. At least our common approach to education gives us a lot to talk about, which was probably what was missing with the public school moms.
That Homeschooling Dad
Homeschool Hut
Joined: 2008-06-14
Dad Points: 28