Welcome young one to the wonderful world of SAHD. This may be the most important part of your training to truly understand the force.

I had the same issues you did when I started also. I am willing to bet that every single man here did also. It is easy for me to say don't let it bother you, but it is not easy for you to do that. In response to the Mr. Mom remarks, I would simply tell the people that my child has a mother, I am the at home dad. My own dad laughed at me and often would refer to my wife as the man of the house. That stopped when he asked her "Hows it hangin" and she grabbed her boobs and said firm and full. It will take your father in law time to adjust, but don't back down. Remember he is probably from a generation the would rather kids not be seen nor heard.

As long as you and your wife are in good agreement with the arrangement, you will rise above the small minds of the world and start to really enjoy these best years of your life. I am sure you will do wonderful, and your son will be so much better off with the influence of an at home parent raising him instead of a daycare.

Gotta go, I have 4yr old to wrassle.

When in doubt, call the fire department. Unless there is violence involved.

Hi there,

I agree with Cliff, I bet every SAHD goes through this, I did as well, couple of observations;

1) Family, friends, acquaintances will throw out the comments, give you funny looks etc... It is new to them as well and they are uncomfortable given their cultural programing. As time goes on and others see you thrive in the SAHD arrangement and observe you and your spouse working as a team enjoying many rewards and benefits from taking this path they will actually begin to respect, and even envy, what you are doing. Trust me it really happens, you just need to stand tough and give it enough time.

2) You will be much less bothered by the "stigma" as time goes on. We are men and are basically insecure when it comes to "manhood", or lack thereof accusations. Again, the longer you do this the more you confirm the reasons why it works and the more confident you become in your choice. Also, you just get more skilled at anticipating and responding to "questions" and as you do this your non verbal cues to others become much more self assured as well.

I went through all of this, and now it is just a non issue and I really enjoy answering the question "what do you do?" You get to the point where, if you desire, you can usually turn the tables of the conversation leaving the ones that make the snide remark wishing they could do what you do.

Keep positive, it takes a bit of time, but rest assured it will pass.

I can only repeat what the guys have said above. Since you are probably the only SAHD your family and friends know, they are going through the acceptance stage, just as you probably are too. Some handle what they perceive as "out of the norm" with snide remarks. I have found this ends up being replaced with respect and/or envy. The remarks typically die off over time.

You get to stay home with your kid every day! Your happy, your wife is happy, and your child is happy. Does anyone else matter?

I have been called Mr. Mom as well and quickly tell them that I am not a drunk and definitely not what Michael Keaton portrayed in the movie. For the most part however, everyone is jealous to a degree because I am fortunate enough to stay at home with my twins. Most of the people I know who are back in Southern California used to really reflect that jealousy in a nice way. I had a neighbor across the street from me in Orange County California who was an L.A. County Deputy that called me an a**hole in a very pleasing way and I could only thank him because I knew he wanted to do it as well and was not fortunate enough to do so.

Here in the Midwest, people are to a degree it seems in aw of myself and the others in the At Home Dads group that I am an active participant with. The additional hard part is dealing with the At Home Moms as well. Most of them are a bit freaked out at seeing dads and for what ever reason seem genuine at first about getting together however, usually do not for what ever reason in their own heads.

So my advice is to accept the peoples stupidity that they share and reflect and remember you are doing this for one reason only, which is to be there for your children. I am much happier taking care of my twins versus dealing with office politics. If people are not able to handle the change in which they now say 25% of the work force is the increased career progression of women, then they will be stuck behind society for a long time. Laugh it off, as the people who are that ignorant are not worth your time nor energy. I agree that you should also tell your F.I.L. to go take a flying leap into a lake.

I agree with what Cliff and everybody said here and for the most part what ticktock said. I don't think going to night school or getting a part time job is the road to validating yourself or getting yourself over insecurities of being an at-home dad. (but maybe for some...?)

Yes, give it time. This too shall pass!

Did you try talking to your father in law about his "joking"?

Their criticisms are not judgments of you, but of themselves.

The important thing is what you are thinking, doing and who you are being, which sounds like a great and loving, supportive dad and husband. YOU are the expert on you and your family, not them. They don't get to say what is right for you and what isn't.

Don't pay attention to the stigma, because it isn't there. You are placing the meaning in to it and keeping it in existence in your own world. It is the other people who have the stigma (or whatever other word you want to call it) about at-home dads. Something in their lives, whether it was the generation (the consensus of the time), or an event in their past makes them feel confronted about the idea of at-home dads.

Know that you and your wife are (in my "book") still considered a pioneers, who have the progressive minds to put all of that aside to make a choice for this kind of family model.

All of the funny responses of what to say when asked if you are a "Mr. Mom" are just that-funny to read. But seriously if we all responded that way, at-home dads would also be known as something other than nurturing, patient and caring! The context of the peoples' question comes from ignorance. To snap back with a prepackaged a-holish response just isn't my style. But that's just me! The best one, and I could agree with you more Doug, is that of total engagement. This IS the GREATEST GIG EVER!

Hang in there dude! You won't even notice it after a while. I don't. I get the questions still, but they hardly bother me, even when people are being cynical and/or resigned. You'll meet just as many people excited about the choice you and your family have made.

Good luck!

BrianC

p.s. Nice Obama art!

So...BE a great Dad. DO what you do. HAVE the respect of those who matter. I think your father in laww will see that your kids are happy and healthy, your wife is happy and healthy and that you remained unwaivered through his joking.

Well, no matter what happens, you will never be good enough for his daughter, and in his mind, with you staying home and her working, you are taking advantage of her, since staying at home with the kids is like a vacation in his eyes. He's in a different generation and he will never agree with your lifestyle no matter what you say or do. If anything, he thinks you should be the one working your butt off while his daughter gets to stay home with the kids eating bon bon's and watching oprah, which is probably how it was in his family, or so he thinks. I had a similar problem with my mother in law making comments. We finally sat her down and told them that the comments have to stop because we didn't want our kids growing up with those comments, and we had no idea what was being said when we were't around, so either the comments stop completely, or you won't be allowed to see your grandkids without our supervision, and even with our supervision, the comments will still have to stop. Now, that didn't go over well with my inlaws because they insisted they never said anything, even when we recited them word for word they denied it. After a year of group therapy and not seeing their grandkids, they still insisted that they were doing nothing wrong. We finally were the ones that broke and said fine, as long as you don't say anything negative you can see the kids with our supervision. That's how its been for a year now. Hope your situation goes better.

I'll tell him to button his lip...Enjoy the ride your on and don't let anyone bump you off..Being a sahd is better than any catering gig I ever had!
As for your father in-law..He is from a different time and space. He may never understand the who's and whys of the choices you and your wife made. With that said ask him if he is proud of his daughter? That she is strong enough to take the stares and the talk behind her back about her lazy sit at home eating bon bons husband? Who only does the most rewarding and selfless thing one human can do for another. Raise them.. BTW he also does the cleaning, laundry, grocery shopping and all other adhoc thing that you do on any given day.

Please feel that what do is the most important thing that you will do in your lifetime. Don't let other people shake your confidence in the skills your trying to develop. Your kids see you feeling this way and it is either a good conversation started on how to deal with negative thought patterns in others or it is a lesson in not how to handle life little problems. Your life is all about raising smart, confident and functioning adults not putting up with smart ass people who DON'T get it and may never...
Chef Kev
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JPhillip said it, therefor it is, Chef= C=Caring, H=Helpful, E=Excellent, F=Fubar

I've been staying at home with my four kids for three years now. The initial shock to my family and freinds led to the same type of comments you are dealing with now. These guys, no matter how old they are, are like bullies in school... they just want to get your blood going. It killed me for while, then I just started laughing it off and going to the next person around. Trust me, you'll find alot more people that respect what you are doing than not.

Here it is in the middle of the week and things are getting better, my son and I are drawing comics, his favorite thing to do, I taught him how to throw a spiral, been learning how to cook, and you know what i dont really care what my father in law thinks thinks he has always hated me anyway, you all have helped out 100% i am in debt, this forums has given me so confidence, and let me make a suggestion, I am sure most of you all know already, but if you light some nice smelling candles, when your wife comes home from work she really notices, it calms her down, try this out its guaranteed to work, oh yeah and a nice clean toliet seat, who would have known lol, as for looks yeah i mean older people notice when you go to a store, but girls seem to talk to you more, well my son talks to them, damn he is good lol

peace out
jedi joe