It seems that there may be more here than it is. It sounds perhaps that she may be feeling a bit left out of the parenting process. Or, perhaps there is some unresolved resentment in that she had to go back to work. She may not want to express this because of the guilt she would feel. Maybe she misses the motherhood hours. If you were gay, you could just go "hey dude, whats the prob." But since she is a woman, the only way to find out is to weasel it out of her using that mixed up format of language that women call communication. This may take months, and then she will only tell you when she is ready. It might be best to plant some seeds in her head about the issues and then see if she lets them grow.

Remember also, women are not like men in the work arena. Men adopt their work as a main part of their identity. Men ARE what their job title is. Women, especially working mothers, look at their job as just that. It is a very small part of their overall identity. Most moms look at themselves as mothers first, workers second or third. By you pushing her not to worry about home stress and focus on her work, she may feel you are trying to force her to change her core identity, which will lead to problems.

My wife and I have a great system. She pretty much gets the kids when she comes home. She has a nice schedule of things she does each night, and I get a break from being the primary parent. I still cook 3 nights a week, but she gets up at 0530 5 days a week, so it is a fair trade to me. Maybe trying a system like this will resolve some issues.

I don't understand the money thing, that will need more clarification from you.

I hope the doctors patched you up good, because I'm betting that those two boys will work you over harder than any job you ever got paid for. Also, at home parent hours are about 18-19 hrs per day, 7 days a week, no vacation.

Just my two cents, take it for what you want.

You have a tough situation. No good answer for you.

I would like to see less anonymous posts. A username lets us into our circle of trust. I think you will see more responses, if we can identify you in some way (jo schmo, diddley dee, or poopy head) for example.

Since you never know when your wife is going to show up when you're talking about her. :}

http://backpackingdad.blogspot.com

Good point BPD. I agree.

That's a big problem to which I have only small suggestions, and maybe not relevant enough since my wife's income is only slightly higher than mine (and we both plan to continue working after my leave is over). Still, here's hoping this is a bit of help!

First, how involved in money-handling decisions are you? My wife and I discuss all our long-term financial plans: how much savings to keep on hand, retirement investment, large trips (such as they are, these days!), education savings, mortgage prepayment when we can afford that (it makes more sense with Canadian mortgages and tax structures, trust me). Since we both have a big hand in the financial planning, we both trust that the other understands the impact of a large financial decision. (E.g., we're thinking about getting a fence and a dog, and we both understand that means the mortgage lives longer and the retirement savings is harder.)

Second, we make a very sharp distinction between "significant" and "insignificant" expenses. The rule on significant stuff is to talk it over. The rule on insignificant stuff is just to remember that we're cheap when we can be. The line between the two moves depending on financial circumstance (moved way up when we stopped being graduate students!). So, for example, there's no need to talk over buying a new Muppets CD for the kiddo (sigh.. a Computer Scientist who still thinks in terms of buying "CDs".. I am so out of touch), but that tasty 80GB iPod they're tossing about on the other thread would require some pre-meditation.

Third, and much more minor but radically successful. Some years back, we created a fictional account of what we call "stupid bucks". Pick an amount for the month or year that you're investing in stupid bucks and then when you do something stupid (buy two loads of the same non-returnable, perishable item, do a home "repair" that must then be professionally fixed, make an obscenely expensive and unnecessary cell phone call, etc.), you pay for it from the stupid bucks account. As long as you come out ahead of your goal for the month, you've been unusually smart! :)

Cheers,
Steve

(This message courtesy of a temporarily distracted baby girl.)

The money thing is a primary issue in a SAHD arrangement. It seems, especially for men, there is always a potential to feel like you aren't doing the "man" thing by bringing in the dough and you therefore don't have the same right to equal ownership of the money the household brings in because it is brought in by the wife, and if the wife starts to fall into some of this it can be very degenerative.

I just couldnt imagine being in a SAHD role unless there was absolute agreement and commitment to the fact that the income, regardless of source, is coequally owned and shared by both members of the team (you and your wife), througouth your lifetime, wheather it happens to be you or her bringing in more or less money. So if that isn't in place you are probably facing some real challenge and need to focus on resolving it and maybe even getting a little neutral third party help to work through it. Though my wife has never had an issue with the "all money is our money" concept, I still had to work through cultural expectations on this issue, especially since I was the big shot MBA career dude for 20 years. So it isn't always easy, but nevertheless well worth it.

It seems like I need more detail on the financial points. "If I want to buy anything, she treats me like a pity case." This just points to problems where a partnership is needed. I quote GuitarDad here, just in case someone missed it:

It felt like a blow to my male ego at first, but I started receiving a weekly allowance for household purchases as a SAHD. My personal purchases are generally minor, and my wife and I have strong trust levels. Now, some people make major purchases to "punish" their partner. Others withhold money to punish their partner. I just couldn't imagine being either of these people. That's childish. (I think Cliff and Wolf also make really good points. Maybe reread them.)

So, really. I suggest you sit down and -- with the utmost common courtesy and respect -- talk to her calmly. Maybe write down some of your issues beforehand. If she tries to make you angry, keep calm. If you're going to start yelling, tell her it's time to take a one-hour break, and then come back in one hour.

This could be a make-or-break moment for your relationship. For yours and your kids' sakes, I hope you work it out. I bet you can.

I apologize for the intrusion: I happened across this site looking for information on Band-Aid spray and was curious. I read the question about money issues for SAHDs because we've had similar issues in my house - except I'm the wife. I don't won't to intrude on your guys' space, but if you're interested in a woman's point of view, you can email me off-line at theyreso@gmail.com

I don't feel intruded and would be interested to have your opinion on this thread. Feel free to make your thoughts public.

I personally doubt that OP's wife is treating him as a "pity case". Money is probably tight, and the OP is probably overly sensitive.
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http://www.altparenting.com

That was one of my thoughts, too, ticktock. It's like they say about situations like this: my side, your side and the truth (somewhere in between). But I really think he needs to talk with her, without being defensive or offensive.

As a person who can over-react about minor things sometimes, :-) I am fortunate to have a wife who is good about calling me out when I need it, without making me feel bad. I hope Anonymous and his wife can talk it out and get to the truth somewhere in between.

I am in total agreement with all of the previous comments but especially "Guitar Dad". Struggle over money between couples are usually a stand in for other significant issues. I have been there and have the therapy bills to prove it. The money issues are concrete and there must be dozens of potential solutions. There are cultural and individual currents running under this issue for both husband and wife. There is only so much money in the family and both parents need to work as a team and make mutually agreed upon decisions regarding how money will flow through the family. Money seldom stays in the family. To begin with I strongly recommend sitting down with a neutral 3rd party to help both parents keep the focus on the stated issue. The 3rd party cannot provide any solution only keep the focus and ensure each parent is heard by the other. I bet during the discussion the real issues will surface and the parents will need to make another decision regarding how to address these more sensitive and stronger issues. Good Luck.