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Decision to Have Child(ren)

potentialdad
Posts: 1
 Joined: 2008-05-27
 Dad Points: 5

Hi Guys,

I’m new to this site, but I’ve really enjoyed reading over the discussions here. With this post, I may be going a bit off topic, but I hope this subject is interesting for at least some of you:

I'm not actually a SAH Dad or any kind of Dad right now. My wife and I are in the process of deciding whether or not to have a child. It would be helpful for us to hear about how others have processed their ways through this decision. So I thought maybe some of you would be interested in sharing about what the decision was like for you and your partner. And how you have felt about the decision since making it – during pregnancy and post-natal ….

Some specific questions:

If you had significant time as a child-free couple (for us, 15 years) prior to parenting, how did you deal with the idea of drastically changing your lives with a huge 18-year-plus commitment?

Did your wife have substantial doubts about how motherhood would affect her career path – and if so, how did she or both of you deal with that? How does that issue play out now?

Were any of you in your 40s when you first became parents? If so, any specific thoughts on how age plays into the decision making? (We’re both in our early 40s, and my parents were both 43 when they had me – so I have experience as the child of older parents. But I have 5 older siblings, and it’s always been clear to me that my parents didn’t really *decide* to have me … so their experience isn’t exactly relevant to mine.)

Are there regrets that you have – either about the decision itself or the process of making the decision or things you wish someone had told you … ?

Once your wife was pregnant for the first time or the adoption was in process, did you feel like you were both ready to be parents? Or do you never really feel ready until there’s a baby in your arms?

Do any of you feel that, no matter how much you love your child(ren), you could have been equally happy (or even happier) going the child-free route? Do any of your wives/partners feel that way?

I feel like these questions make me sound like a naïve, scared fool – which, trust me, is not exactly the case. I’m just trying to craft good open-ended questions. But ideally, you’ll get the idea of what I’m looking for and will enjoy sharing some details.

Thanks ......
Potentialdad
Chicago


‹ New York City Dad At home in Mid-Michigan ›

Submitted by potentialdad on Sat, 05/31/2008 - 12:25pm.

New No.2
New No.2's picture
Posts: 612
 Joined: 2007-11-12
 Dad Points: 852
Only thoes who care doubt

Potentialdad,
It is much harder to talk about having kids than it is to have them. No plan will survive the arrival of your youg'n. You won't automaticaly be filled with love or gifted with parenting powers. But you will learn, and learn fast. That's how it goes. A baby is an abstract but the human you and your wife will create can never be known. How will he/she sleep? What will the baby find soothing? How much with the baby be like you, or your wife? You won't know any of these things for a long time.

We all love our kids but that loves gorws as our fear of making the mistakes we felt our parents did fades. Everyday will be a compromise, everyday will be unexpected. That isn't to say you shouldn't have a solid scedual for you and the baby but you won't be able to control as much as you did before. Giving that up is the hardest part. But, it is replaced with an indescribable joy of wathcing a person, a new person in the world, leran to walk, and talk, and smile and call you Daddy for the first time.

No one is ready to be parents. No one would be parents if they had to wait until they were ready. My wife and I had nearly no time together 1 and a half years before our daughter was on her way.

Make sure you have good support, family, friends, make sure you live in a good school district, and the rest will fall into place. You survived this far in life your child will only be a blessing.

As far as the getting pregnant goes? Stop using birth contorl and see what happens. Worked for most of us. :-)

Good luck.

Be Seeing You.
~Jonathan


Sat, 05/31/2008 - 1:03pm

dbrigham
dbrigham's picture
Posts: 276
 Joined: 2007-09-20
 Dad Points: 371
wish we'd done it sooner

My wife and I have been together almost 20 years (10 1/2 married) and were quite comfortable in our lives of working and then going out to see movies and bands, attending parties, traveling when we wanted, sleeping late on weekends, etc. We had talked about having kids (the plan was always for two) and kept saying, "When we both have good jobs, when we buy a house, when we're ready to shift our lives, etc." Finally, we just decided that we had to stop talking about it and start "trying." Well, that didn't take too long and we were lucky that things went well (during both pregnancies, although my wife might tell you that feeling sick most of the time was pretty rotten) and soon we had a son (and eventually a daughter).

My wife didn't have concerns about her career path, as she'd been at the company for 7 years and knew that she'd go back to her job after maternity leave. I, on the other hand, had a job that I liked and which was the most well-paying job I'd ever had, and thought I'd be there for quite a while. Long story short, the company folded 6 months before our son was born, I looked for a job but then we decided I would stay home for a while once he was born. And 6 years later here I am, loving it.

I was 37 when my son was born, 42 when my daughter came along. I wish we'd had kids a bit sooner, but since in general people are having kids later, and especially in the town where we live, I don't feel that unusual. Just not looking forward to attending my daughter's high school graduation when I'm 60.

As for being ready, nothing prepared me. I'd never babysat, I was the youngest in my family, didn't have many friends or family members with kids (although I'm the youngest, i was the first of my siblings to have kids). When the nurse told me the first full day after my son was born that it was time to change a poopy diaper, I was a little freaked out but that didn't last long.

As for whether we'd have been just as happy to not have kids, I'll say definitely no. I don't miss going out to bars and movies that much (although I get the jones once in a while) and it'd be nice to go out to dinner more often just the two of us, but we had so much of that for so long that I can't complain.

I get some "me" time although not enough, but neither does my wife. We try to do as much as possible as a family, which makes it more fun.

Hope that helps. And good luck with your decision.

Dave, full-time child roadie for Owen and Amelia
www.davebrigham.com


Sun, 06/01/2008 - 10:59am

RenoDad
RenoDad's picture
Posts: 146
 Joined: 2007-10-25
 Dad Points: 197
It is funny

At 43 I am just not that old of a Dad. I see a lot of dad's older than I am. My wife and I decided fairly soon after getting married that because of our ages, we did not want to wait. We decided to move out of San Diego to a more family friendly location and we were pregnant before the move finished. Then our daughter came 15 months later. Everything fell into place so quickly and well that it kind of makes our heads spin.

I know we would have been very happy without the kids, but life is definitely better with them. Even when they are cranky and obnoxious that generally doesnt change.

Greg


Mon, 06/02/2008 - 2:25pm

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