You say they don't listen when you ask them to not do things. What are these things? Feeding them junk for dinner? Poking them with hot needles? Not letting them watch TV?

Also, you mention that you "need someone to watch our kids overnight." Are you both working night shifts?

I just want to understand a little better.

As much as you have problems with your in-laws, I'm willing to bet your wife has problems with her's as well.

I've been in this situation only worse, my parents and hers. The way I see it, if they are unwilling to follow your wishes and guidelines when it comes to your children, they don't need contact with them. It may sound cruel, but consider this, if a daycare provider or a babysitter wasn't willing to follow your instructions, what would you do? What if any of the rest of your family was unwilling to do things your way? Just because they're family does not absolve them of the responsibility to follow your wishes when it comes to your children.

I've had to tell my mother-in-law that if she so much as touches a drop of alcohol she isn't allowed around our kids (she and her husband drink like they're college freshmen). I've told my own mother that if she doesn't start following our wishes, she won't be allowed contact with our kids.

These are your children, not there's. Don't let them think they are.

-Will
gamingwithbaby.com | all your diapers are belong to us
my flickr

My In-Laws will do things like feed my daughter a bunch of junk food when we ask them not to. Or, they will let her get away with things that we do not allow at home (i.e. going through kitchen drawers or rummaging through items at someone else's house). I agree with cowabungachris in that I need to choose my battles wisely and not upset my wife.

As for the overnights, I am a Youth Director, so there are times when I take my youth on trips and the only people we really have to watch our kids overnight are my In-Laws. This doesn't happen too much, but when we do need them, I feel as though they realize that they are going to watch them and we can not do anything about it.

My In-Laws have helped us out a lot, don't get me wrong. They have been there for us at times of need and we have a decent relationship over all. We are just different people. I am a city boy and they are small town folk. My In-Laws freaked out the other day when I said I would rather live back by Chicago than the small central Illinois community we live in now. I thought to myself, "I didn't know you had a say in it..."

As for her In-Laws, they are pretty much never around. My family is very dysfunctional and no one really talks to one another. I am put in the middle betwen my mom and brother, and also my mom and grandma. They also live about 1.5 hours further away than her family does. So yeah, she doesn't have an ideal situation with her In-Laws, but at least she doesn't have to deal with them nearly as much as I deal with hers.

Ok, enough venting! I need to accept my wife's family for who they are but "protect" my children.

Thanks for this outlet to gripe!

Dustin

i have only been a parent now for a little over a year, so i haven't had to deal with grandparent issues all that much yet.

i only have a father who lives an hour away. he's the only inlaw my wife has to deal with. i don't have to worry about leaving my little girl with him, because we wouldn't. at least not as a toddler still in diaper. my pop is old school navy man who never even changed one of my daipers. my wife loves him to death though because he doesn't cause any waves between us at all. she thinks he's totally repectful of all our wishes, especially on how we chose to raise our little sophia.

my inlaws live in iowa whereas we live on the north carolina coast. we only see them maybe twice a year, so we don't have to worry about them meddling in how we do things. we visited them last year at xmas, and i can't really say i saw much that i had a problem with as far as their interference with our parenting. they are buddhists, and we are christian. they held some kind of blessing ceremony for our little girl, but they didn't have any monks come because i think they thought i might be uncomfortable with it. although if they asked to take sophia to temple with them one day, i don't think i'd have to much a problem with it. i think it would be unfair for me to deny my child the exposure of my inlaws beliefs even though i don't buy it myself. yes, i want to bring my child up in a christian household, but i don't feel it's necessary to deny my inlaws the chance to share their experiences and beliefs with my child as long as they aren't forcing it on her.

the way i look at the inlaw issue and them doing things we aren't wild about, i.e. junk food snacks, or late bedtimes. if it doesn't kill them, then why worry about it. i think that's one of the things little kids love about getting to stay with grandparents, cause they get away with just a little bit more than with the parent. i think life is too short to wig out about the little things, when a year or so from now, little things like sophia staying up later than we like while staying with grandpa won't matter that much in the long run.

i guess maybe you guys might see me as a too liberal, and that's cool. we all bounce ideas off each other for support and maybe to learn from one another. and i guess the fact that i don't have to deal with my inlaws much since they are far away might make me seem unqualified to comment, but that's just my two cents, for what it's worth.

i think the biggest thing that irks me about inlaws is that they've lived in the US for over 25 years now, and still speak very little english and can't communicate with me very well. but then again, i really only have taken the time to learn the Lao swear words mostly, ha ha.

I say let the grandparents spoil them to a point, but not past your personal limit. For instance, if you are vegan, feeding meat should be a line that they don't cross. But, if you generally dislike fast food, a happy meal won't kill them. What I'm saying is that it depends on the level of your conviction.

A good way to handle this is not to get self-righteous and indignant, but to treat it lightly. If you are uber-serious about NO JUNK FOOD... they will feel judged. But, if you comment casually OFTEN any time the issue comes up, they will start to get the picture. Just be nice, and don't get too annoyed at something not harmful.

..........................................
http://www.altparenting.com

My parental units engage in some "off" activities, so my children haven't even set foot inside their house, and my son is 4, so it's taken a bit of work. They're more than welcome in our abode as long as they give me a five minute warning, otherwise we just see each other at family engagements.

For my in-laws, they live 1800 miles away, so I usually go out of my way to ensure they see the kids as much as possible, even if it means taking a trip of a couple hundred miles as they travel across the country.

As for picking the battles, work on setting up an environment. If you don't like it at their place, have them come over to yours (My Dad stayed with my son in his house while I stayed in the hospital with my wife when the girls were born).

I'd also look to family and friends to swap baby sitting duties. I've had a buddy and his wife watch my son when my wife had to go to the ER. We've payed for babysitting once and recipocate with other families who watch our children. Just make sure it's recipocated. "Look X, Suzy Q and I owe you two a night out. You let me know when you want to go out and we'll watch the chitlins for you." Be semi forceful about it, because some introverts (like my wife and I), occasionally have to be pushed to go out without the kids.

DaddyMan to Little Blue, Baby Purple and Teal (identical girls)
http://daddymanathome.blogspot.com

I bit my tongue for a long time. Yes, it's important to pick your battles and my battle was how I disciplined my children. I am a firm believer that parents be able to control their children and that the parents are the boss - not the children. When my children need discipline we put them in their rooms to sit and think about what they did wrong. It would only be for a minute but if they didn't last the minute the minute would start again. My MIL had issues with this and butt in on a day I had just about had it with everything. I was on edge and tired so I snapped. I yelled at her pretty loudly to butt out. I apologized later and let me tell you she never opened her mouth again.