I stay at home with my 3 y/o daughter. Today, I was lamenting to my wife about how it can be frustrating to arrange social activities for our daughter. We were discussing how many moms have a double standard where they are perfectly willing to let their children be supervised by another mom but terrified of having them supervised by a fellow parent that happens to be a dad (who they may know equally well or better). Of course, everyone needs to get to know someone before sending their kid over. Unfortunately, the hurdle of "I know you enough, yes, my child can come over to play with your child for a while" seems to be much, much higher (and often insurmountable) if it's a dad doing the watching.
The problem is this: My wife was mildly sympathetic, but sided with the double-standard moms, saying "I would be the same way", etc. The idea was not just "that's to be expected" nor "I understand what they're thinking", but rather "they are right" and "of course they should be more wary of dads" and "that's what I would think too". She actually mentioned the concept of "look at the media, men are the child molesters".
To say the least, I found this to be extremely frustrating. Despite my efforts to explain it, she is clueless as to why I am frustrated with the moms or with her. To me, if my wife was supportive of our arrangement or had any pride in it, she should think that the whole double-standard thing sucks and is wrong. She doesn't. I feel unsupported on many levels, and I'm completely pissed off about it.
I can accept the fact that some people think that way, but I can't really accept that one of them is my wife.
Arrrrgh!
My wife is in the double standard crowd. Should I be mad?
In some ways I think you're both right. Bluntly, I wouldn't trust a non-SAHD with my children.
However, I'm not sure I understand why you're lumping yourself in with the rest of the crowd; being a SAHD, as opposed to being just a Dad (which, granted, is a wonderful thing), is an exceptional thing and by being the breadwinner your wife is saying that she is explicitly confident in you and in agreement with "your arrangement". Nuff said.
Is your wife writing about this online too I wonder? What I'm getting at (in hopefully not too harsh a manner) is your reference to your wife being "supportive in your arrangement" - surely if YOU were equally supportive in your wife's role, your role, the arrangement, etc, you'd be having this discussion with her and not with a bunch of strangers.
Peter, Charlotte & Dorothy.
It gets a little better
I am not sure what to say about your relationship issues but, if it's any consolation, the social issues do seem to evolve with time. For me, it got better once we started preschool and moved somewhere with families with kids that we were able to connect with. There are still issues (see my post here: http://www.athomedad.org/node/2780), but it seems to be at least a little better now (and the moms less paranoid as the years and months go by) than it was in the infant days.
Don't be mad!
Let's face it, a lot of the pervs out there are men (Note- I didn't say all pervs are men, that all men are pervs, or that all stay at home dads are closet pervs). That said, it's not surprising to me that a lot of folks, myself included, are less than jazzed about the idea of a man watching their kid. Hell, I'll even go so far as to say that I never volunteer to keep or watch someone's kid- not because I'd do something wrong, but because there's just so much f@#$ing liability there. Why even open yourself up to it?
Anyway, that doesn't seem to be the gist of your post. You seem to understand why others would not necessarily trust a man. I would say, though, that I'm as surprised as you that your wife "is clueless as to why I am frustrated with the moms or with her". While I understand the "double-standard" that doesn't mean I can't understand why you're frustrated by it. Still, it's not worth being mad at her about. She basically agrees with you, and lets face it, she trusts you with her kids, so it's all good.
BTW- I respectfully disagree with Mr. AB above. I don't get how the question is coming from a place of you not being supportive of your wife's role or any of your arrangements, and I don't consider us a bunch of strangers. Sometimes it's just nice to vent and get the opinions of other dads in the trenches- you have already had the discussion with your wife!
i agree
unfortunately, most sex offenders are men and not women. it's a sad fact, but its true. yeah, you have the occasional female teacher out there that boinks her students, but it is rare that you hear about a female childcare giver that has sexually abused a child.
my wife and i actually have had this conversation, and neither one of us would ever trust another man to watch our little girl. that might bother some people, but i'm just not willing to take the risk.
think about it.....as screwed up as most daycare centers are these day, i haven't seen a single one that employs a male caregiver.
I concour
Sorry mate but unless your wife knows the other dad as well as she knows you then she will probably always hold back when it comes to any number of transactions. I have a friend who I trust compleetly with my daughter as we used to sit for each other when our kids were new borns. But beyond that I'm not sure.
The real doubble standard - as I see it - is not the assumption that a man is a perv but that a woman is inherently a better care taker than a man. My wife is a great woman, and a supper Mom, but she doesn't have what it takes to do what I do all day. This is her admition not my assumption. Men have only recently begun to crack working in daycare or as teachers in the younger age groups.
If it makes you feel better I don't trust femail firefighters. Sad but true. Recently in New York a steam pipe exploded near Grand Central. That explosion was right in front of my wife's office. Naturaly we - the whole city -thought it was 9/11 again. My wife said the most stalwart, passive, cool headed women all went to peaces, screaming running around not knowing what to do, and the doughiest balding man in illfitting slacks lept from his desk and guided his fellow emplyies to the stairs. The men leaped into action orgonizing the departments on the street and telling everyone to get away as fast as they could. Many of these men were "whimps" and the women made sport of them. Not since the pipe exploded. The truth being we don't realy know what or who people are and we have conceptions based on "type" and sometimes they are there to protect us. Let's face it how many macho hocky coaches or football coaches turned out to be a perv. That same "man" I'm sure scoffed at the "woman's work" I do everyday.
Be Seeing You.
The only thing that frustrates me...
is that it's the whole line of thinking, "Every man is a possible rapist." Every guy is a possible molester? Sure I wouldn't find a guy on the street to watch Andrew and I also wouldn't send him alone into anyone's house (male or female) who wasn't a parent.
But I thought he was addressing the fact that women are uncomfortable with dads as molesters.
Women attempt suicide more than men. Does this mean we should be worried that every woman is a possible suicide?
So I agree awareness, but without paranoia.
Josh
SAHD Since August 2005
I'm With Josh
Let's teach our kids to trust people, but with caution. We have frequently used males as baby sitters with our kids. They were always males we completely trusted and knew very well. I would gladly let one of them stay with my 3 kids anytime. As a guy who was in the teaching profession (elementary school), I don't appreciate the whole miss trusting a guy just because he's a guy. For me, it comes down to us doing our jobs as parents and making sure that the people we are leaving our most precious little ones with are trustworthy. Oh, and a side note to cowabungachris, our youngest goes to daycare at the YMCA 2 days a week when I do a part time job. The "teacher" he has is a male and he is an incredible teacher. He's better than most of the women at the center with our (and the other) 3 year olds. And before I started being a SAHD all 3 of ours went to a different center (run by a former police officer) that had 2 men working there. Both of them were also incredible with the kids. What I'm saying is that there are men working in these fields that do an incredible job.
Check out my ramblings on life at http://www.sahdguy.blogspot.com/